by Anna Foley
I fell into my job because it seemed like the correct move back then. I graduated with honours in Social Science and got the post immediately because Dad knew the right people, but my heart was never in it then. It was just something to pass the time until I could get married and have babies, then stay at home because the husband would earn enough money for both of us. I thought I was on the right track.
鈥淵ou鈥檒l be fine,鈥� Dan assured me. 鈥淵ou can handle this, you鈥檝e all had the same training and it will do you good to get the field experience.鈥�
I could tell he was wasn鈥檛 listening to my protest and he adopted a posture which made us all suddenly quiet.
鈥淒on鈥檛 any of the rest of ye get sick now, I mean it,鈥� he said, before locking himself in his office.
I stared at the file on my desk as Joan shuffled over, putting her arm around my shoulder.
鈥淚鈥檒l help you, Shelly, if I can.鈥�
鈥淐heers Joan. I鈥檝e never done a case like this. Why鈥檇 she have to be sick again?鈥�
鈥淎h now, she didn鈥檛 do it on purpose.鈥�
I wasn鈥檛 so sure. I had seen Maria struggling since coming back after having her fourth child, I saw her crying as she locked her up her old banger in the mornings. She was always tired and leaving early for one reason or another, someone of them was always being sent home early from someplace.
Later in the afternoon in the privacy of the bathroom, Laura got her chance to gloat.
鈥淪o Shelly, you gonna take that new white car down to visit the boggers today?鈥�
鈥淕uess I don鈥檛 really have a choice.鈥�
I wanted to push her jealous face into the mirror, the way she applied that lipstick was unnaturally annoying. I finished washing my hands and turned to leave. She called after me.
鈥淕lad he didn鈥檛 give me that one, bad enough I鈥檝e to go visit that wan with all the kids up the Northside. I can鈥檛 wait til abortions are allowed here. Save us a load of hassle.鈥�
鈥淵eah,鈥� I answered. I would have found a nicer way to say it, but for once, she was absolutely right.
I called Gerry, the safety of the motorway behind me as I hit a narrow road made almost entirely of pot holes. I needed a distraction from imminently dealing with this teenager and her mess.
鈥淗ello love,鈥� he answered breathlessly.
I tried speaking several times but he kept repeating hello, hello, hello.
鈥淪orry love, I muted the Bluetooth; again.鈥�
鈥淭hat鈥檚 what I thought,鈥� he said and laughed. 鈥淗ow鈥檚 your day going?鈥�
鈥淪hit. I鈥檓 in the back arse of nowhere looking for some farm.鈥�
鈥淥h. What for?鈥�
鈥淣ew case I got. Maria鈥檚 out sick til God knows when and we have to pick up the slack.鈥�
鈥淪hit. That the one with all the kids?鈥�
鈥渊别辫.鈥�
He suggested a movie and wine night to which I happily agreed and he said he鈥檇 pick up a bottle of Shiraz on his way home before we finished up the call.
I wiped cow shit off my stilettos as I waited. That welcome mat had seen better days, just like the woman who appeared from behind the wooden door.
鈥淐ome in,鈥� she sighed, wiping her hands on her apron. 鈥淜itchen鈥檚 this way.鈥�
The merged scent of baking apple tart and boiling cabbage turned my stomach in the steamy kitchen.
鈥淪it there at the table. Tea?鈥�
鈥淣o thanks, just a glass of water.鈥�
The woman shrugged, then planted a glass of limey water in front of me. A mewling started from behind me. I hadn鈥檛 noticed the basket in the corner. She scurried toward it and picked up a soother, jamming it into the baby鈥檚 mouth.
鈥淎my,鈥� she shrieked. 鈥淎my come down!鈥�
After a minute, a pale-faced Amy appeared in the doorway. She wore a baggy grey sweatshirt and her greasy hair was pulled back in a ponytail. Through dark circles under her eyes, she barely looked her sixteen years.
鈥淗e鈥檚 crying, time for his feed,鈥� hissed her mother.
She eyed me coolly and approached the basket where her son had spat out the soother and squirmed, kicking his legs and screeching.
鈥淗i Amy, how are you getting on?鈥� I asked.
鈥淥h,鈥� she said. 鈥淛ust fucking great.鈥� She picked up the noisy bundle.
鈥淎my. Stop it.鈥� The farmer鈥檚 wife hovered by the cooker, fighting the temptation to take over, the expert mother that she was. Instead, she spoke.
鈥淪he鈥檚 doing very well, aren鈥檛 you Amy? She鈥檚 going back to school next week too.鈥�
鈥淥h really,鈥� I said. 鈥淎re you happy about that Amy?鈥�
鈥淒on鈥檛 care.鈥�
鈥淲ell, it looks like everything is going well with him. He鈥檚 doing fine.鈥�
Her mother answered.
鈥淥h sure, he鈥檚 thriving. It鈥檚 not always easy mind, but we鈥檙e managing.鈥�
She turned then, stirring the cabbage gloop, before catching the pot and flinging the contents into a yellow colander which I suspected was once white. Amy took a full bottle of formula from the fridge and left the room with her son.
鈥淭his will be yer the last visit so will it? You鈥檙e not the usual girl either?鈥�
鈥淣o. Maria鈥檚 off sick. I鈥檓 taking the case now.鈥�
鈥淲ell as you can see we鈥檙e grand. Thanks for all your help.鈥�
Her mouth smiled though her eyes did not. I took this as my cue to leave, and grabbed my leather handbag, knocking a hardback from the sideboard as I did; 鈥楢nimal Husbandry; A Complete Guide鈥�.
鈥淵ou don鈥檛 seem like a girl would be interested in that book anyway,鈥� and she chuckled.
鈥淣o,鈥� I said. I didn鈥檛 have any animals or a husband, yet.
鈥淧at鈥檚 calving bible that is. We鈥檇 a mutant born last week.鈥�
鈥淓xcuse me?鈥�
鈥淎 calf with two heads. Bad luck, a bad omen. Died an hour after鈥�
When I got home, the house was in darkness. I preheated the oven and turned on the lights upstairs, before hopping into the shower to scrub the smell of cow shit off my skin. When I stepped out, I heard him slam the front door.
鈥淗ello,鈥� he called.
鈥淚鈥檓 upstairs, just outta the shower.鈥�
I heard his steps on the stairs and threw on my robe in case he started getting any ideas.
鈥淚 got stuck in tunnel traffic. Some accident.鈥�
鈥淭hought so, did you get the wine?鈥�
鈥淣o. I came straight home, I was pissed off.鈥�
I left him on the bed, scrolling intently through Sky Sports 深夜亚洲福利久久 on his Iphone. I went to get the wine myself and pick up a pizza from the takeaway on the way back instead of cooking. Gerry had bought that house before we met. I would have preferred to live closer to the city centre and nicer restaurants, but that was just how it worked out. The neighbourhood was safe, and property values there were rising so we could sell and move eventually.
I paid for the pizza using the last of the cash in my purse and picked up two bottles of red in the off-licence. At the counter, my visa card was refused. The lad tried putting it through three times, but it still didn鈥檛 work, so I pulled out my own emergency card and used that for the first time in months.
Gerry had the gas fire on when I got back in and threw the pizza and my keys down on the coffee table. He had the crystal glasses out and proceeded to uncork the wine, then let it glug glug glug into both glasses.
鈥淢usic to my ears,鈥� I laughed. 鈥淕er, my card didn鈥檛 work in the offy.鈥�
鈥淲hat you mean?鈥�
鈥淭he AIB Visa card. Refused three times. Can you check it, I鈥檝e no access online to that?鈥�
鈥淢ust have been the machine, I鈥檒l have a look tomorrow. Did you have cash?鈥�
鈥淵eah,鈥� I lied.
There was some crusty woman on an evening chat show talking about a pagan feast she was hosting at her 鈥榬etreat鈥�, before going off on a rant about lunar cycles. The presenters were nodding, asking inane questions about hippy nonsense. My patience waned.
鈥淕er, are you interested in this?鈥�
鈥淗m?鈥� he looked stunned.
鈥淎re you watching this?鈥�
鈥淣o no, change over if you want.鈥�
I turned over the channel and stared at some fashion programme almost as foolish as myself.
I awoke in the middle of the night to find Gerry gone from our bed. I snuck out and saw him sitting in the office with his back to me, looking into the laptop. My attempt at stealth failed because he heard me approach and first slammed down the screen, then shoved in the bottom drawer of his desk with his knee and locked it.
鈥淲hat are you doing?鈥�
鈥淣othing. Couldn鈥檛 sleep is all.鈥� He shifted in the chair, not meeting my eye.
In spite of myself I smiled. I decided I would go along with the game. After all, I had waited long enough. Visions of diamond rings, fancy restaurants and white dresses danced in mind, or maybe a surprise trip abroad.
A conference in London for Gerry was the only trip that materialised. The company paid for the entire thing, with business class flights and a five-star hotel for four days. He got five-star luxury, I got teenage mothers.
The case file was almost wrapped up, with most of the paperwork and assessments are done by Maria before her absence. She hadn鈥檛 been in for two weeks, and no return date was given on the medical cert either.
In my lunch hour, I found the perfect Valentine鈥檚 Day gift online and decided I鈥檇 get it couriered to Gerry at work on the day itself. This Moet and Chandon hamper would be ideal for the celebration once he had popped the question. I indulged in more fantasies, having an imaginary crisis over who I would ask to be bridesmaids. I tried completing the transaction but the card came up declined on the screen. I checked the numbers, all correct. I tried again, the same message. I kicked the leg of the desk and grabbed my handbag. I wanted answers from the bank about this.
At the cash desk, the teller looked blankly at the screen and told me I needed to speak to someone in customer services. After another ten minutes of queuing, I finally got to talk to a man who looked like a child in a business suit, playing at working in a bank. He asked me again my query and I explained the trouble with my card. He asked if I had been checking my postal statements and I told him I hadn鈥檛 got any. I asked the balance on the Visa card and he informed that it wasn鈥檛 technically my account. It was in Gerry鈥檚 name and he couldn鈥檛 give me any details since I was only a named card user. Back in my office, I unfolded the print-outs he had given me, and what I saw in black and white changed everything.
The hours after that dragged as I tried to make sense of what I had read in the statements, until at three o clock, my phone rang. A colleague at the maternity hospital wanted to let me know that Amy Black had brought the baby in and declared she couldn鈥檛 keep him after all. She had done so without her parent鈥檚 knowledge, in her own twisted logic returned him where he had come from, to be farmed out someplace, anyplace away from her.
鈥淒an,鈥� I barged into his office, waving the file. 鈥淐an I鈥檝e a word?鈥�
鈥淪o long as it鈥檚 a good one.鈥�
I slammed the file down in front of his gaping face.
鈥淪he brought the baby to St. Mary鈥檚. Wants it adopted after all.鈥�
鈥淎h fuck. When did this happen? More bloody work for us now.鈥�
鈥淭his morning, he鈥檚 already gone to foster.鈥�
He stared at me blankly.
鈥淐an I leave early, I鈥檝e a headache.鈥�
鈥淔ine. Update that first.鈥�
I found the desk key in a box at the back of his wardrobe. As it clicked open, some na茂ve piece of me believed I would still find the black velvet box with my white diamond inside. But there was only more paper truth, spilling secrets from open envelopes. Three credit cards, two credit union loans and an application for another was my surprise. Reams of statements showing Paddy Power and Online Poker Transactions were my announcements. Letters outlining mortgage arrears lurked at the bottom.
I threw everything I owned in black bin liners, the car boot would barely close. I put on my seatbelt and drove, pulling up at the beach car park in the dark of the evening and watching the tide rise, spraying the windscreen, blurring my vision. My wedding, my house, my children; all those dreams lost. A waxing moon hung over the grey horizon, almost full.
I took two weeks off work. It was my mother鈥檚 decision, she took over while I fell apart in my childhood bedroom. I licked my wounds. Our life together ended not with a bang, but with a whimper. I grieved for the relationship I had wasted five years on and then one day, I was grateful.
Six weeks after that, he called me; drunk. He admitted in his own words that our savings were gone, the money we had put away each month for our future went on the horses. He assured me that he would pay me back, and I did not contradict, because he was weak enough to believe his own lies, and I doubted he could ever change.
Meanwhile, Maria had returned to work and was the only one to talk (to my face) about my troubles. I imagined the gossip flying through the shared toilets like faecal bacteria. Case files waited on my desk. A memo said Amy Black had gone to stay with her aunt. Her mother refused to let her back into the farmhouse without the baby. Maria said the girl made a series of bad choices. I wasn鈥檛 sure if they were ever hers to make.
In April, I began looking for a place of my own to rent. My parents had been great, but I needed my own space. Finding a place to rent on the south side of Cork city was hopeless. The rents were extortionate and the half decent places were given to 鈥減rofessional couples鈥� within an hour of becoming available. I relented when the estate agent suggested I view a bungalow in East Cork, within my price range, and recently refurbished.
The stretch had just taken hold of the evenings, and I drove the half hour from work to view what turned out to be a cottage, in the middle of nowhere. The agent hadn鈥檛 arrived, so I got out to have a look. I shimmied in behind a whitethorn to peer in the window. I saw an open fireplace at one end, a new kitchen on the opposite and a grey couch interposed between. I moved along to the gable end of the back garden. It was large but overgrown, with dandelions waving from an uneven grass sea. A dark shape caught my eye and the biggest black cat I鈥檇 ever seen sauntered across the path where I stood. Hearing the car pull up on the gravel out front, I dashed back to meet the agent.
鈥淚鈥檒l take it,鈥� I said.
鈥淵ou haven鈥檛 even seen it yet!鈥�
鈥淚鈥檝e seen enough. When can I move in?鈥�
She checked the clipboard in her hand. 鈥淢ay.鈥�
I moved in on May Day, dragging my bin bag procession with me. I opened windows and swept floors and in the pasture, next door, black and white cattle lowed their welcomes. I threw reminders in the fireplace as I unpacked, and burned them at the end of the day.
It was bittersweet. A knot tugged in my chest thinking about the empty plans made and lost just as quickly. I did not allow the moment to consume me, catching my image in the glass pane of painting. Behind my reflection lay a golden landscape, haystacks dotted on a hillside in a late summer haze. It was not to my usual taste, but I kept it on the wall as a comfort, finding myself drawn to it at those quiet moments in the evening when the sound of silence descended and the moon peered through the window.
The commute to work became almost enjoyable. I no longer rushed home. Soon the black cat, (I had named him Mr. Big) and I were on friendly terms. He sat on the couch with me as I watched TV or read though I accepted he didn鈥檛 really care if I was there or not. Work continued as before, new cases came and went, and most saw me stay within the safe confines of the south side of the city, with few home visits charged to me since Maria took on more of that work than ever. She admitted to me that she鈥檇 had her tubes tied but got an infection, that鈥檚 why she had been out. She said she鈥檇 go through it all again to make sure she never had any more babies.
That Summer was a hot one and in late June, fire brigades were out in force on the outskirts of the city for Bonfire night. The car radio told me they were called to a rough area near the link road, and I caught a glimpse on my way home. Three units battled a blaze started with piles of mattresses, tyres and furniture. I pictured these once valued props of life now so cruelly disregarded. The madness of Midsummer flames and white heat eventually dies out, but the charred embers and layers of ash remain for all to see.
Quarryman
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